P.S. Snips and Whit

I thought I was m.a.d.d. but d.a.d.d…woah! Parents who are “card carrying members” of D.a.d.d. (dads against daughters dating) and M.a.d.d. (moms against daughters dating) could possibly see this as a dreaded season and really would be fine with skipping this time period altogether. Try and consider all the quality time and teaching/ training you get to be privy to. If you play your cards right, parents can be a much needed guide for their teenager during one of the most important times of their lives.

Navigating the dating years and all the fun that comes with them isn’t as daunting as some may assume. We have been asked on many occasions, questions concerning dating age and thus prompted this blog. What seems to be the perfect age to let your daughter begin spending more time with the opposite sex?

Believe it or not, your daughter will marry someone she dates! This being noted, who she dates, matters. Her dating choices are as crucial as her college/career choices and could in fact prove to be more valuable since college/career goals change with time. Marriage is a lifetime covenant with God and chosen spouse that will most definitely affect the rest of her life. Realizing our influence on her decision could be significant, sent us to our knees!

When we were expecting our first daughter, We began praying, asking for God’s voice and His guidance in each facet of our parenting role. We understood He was entrusting us with this amazing gift to love, teach and train. We wanted more than anything to do the job well. Being an avid reader, I (Suzanne) began researching and reading every Christian parenting book I could get my hands on. Coupled with Paul & I serving as youth leaders in our local church at the time, several ideas we did stemmed from these resources.

There is not a magical time that comes suddenly and you “just know” today will be the day we discuss dating issues. So if you are waiting for this to occur, you will miss the opportunities. Long before she comes to you and asks permission to go on her first date safeguards should already be firmly in place. What worked for us were the moments we seized that came with everyday life. These occasions come sometimes in the form of a situation your daughter discusses with you about something that happened during her day at school, church, or while visiting a friend. Sometimes while learning of a happy or sad circumstance. We had the privilege of working closely with youth. So these “teachable moments” sometimes occurred for our daughters* with the position of youth pastor for a dad. However, they come for your family, utilize them. You do not need to make it a huge deal or even bring attention to the moment as a teaching moment. If the lines of communication are open between you and your child, it will be like any other conversation. Just dad/mom sharing thoughts with the family. I do not even recall the first time we spoke about the topic of dating with our daughters, but they must have inquired about what age we would let them go out with a boy. I do remember saying, “Dad & Mom will know when you are ready.”

We were actively involved in serving in many areas of our church. We credit this too, as a much-needed entity for the family. When you make Jesus the center of your everyday life, and you have the voice of your pastor, and Sunday school teachers echoing the same message of how to have the best possible life, our children will take notice. This is a trustworthy place that Mom and Dad esteem in high regard. The percentage is high they will follow in our footsteps. Christian activities that children’s ministries and youth groups afford our children are extremely valuable. Youth groups allow teenagers to hang-out with the opposite sex in a group setting. This can be a wonderful ally; especially helpful in getting more acquainted with boys without the awkwardness of being alone with them. Christian youth conferences and summer church camps are terrific places to get our kids involved in. For many years, our daughters spent countless hours walking around national youth conferences and summer youth camps strengthening their faith in God as well as mingling with other youth, again in a group setting.

Make it a top priority to know your children’s friends and their families. There is a popular saying, Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future. We say, “Show us your kid’s friends and we’ll show you your kids’ future.” Second to you (parents) only, the people you allow in your children’s circle will be a big influence in their lives. Pray for your daughters and help them choose wisely those they hold in close regard. Help your daughters set boundaries. Each of our daughters wrote down in a notebook future goals, things they wanted to accomplish, and boundaries for when they would begin dating.

Between the age of 11-12, Paul & I took each daughter out individually for a special dinner. Knowing the dating years were on the horizon, I (Paul) read them a letter that Suzanne and I composed. The letter was to remind them of their value to us and their God-given purpose. On this particular date, we talked about how they would one day develop an interest in the opposite sex. These feelings would be completely normal and would eventually lead to a young man with which they would desire to spend more time. We talked and let them ask any questions they had. We reassured them that they were worth waiting for and there was no need to feel rushed or pressured to violate their convictions in any dating relationship. We gave them a small ring as a reminder of all we had talked about this night.

A strong and steady relationship with our children is made by small increments of time often measured in moments that happen on ordinary days. A little done consistently can be more than a lot done one time. The early morning ‘I love you and simple prayers prayed before leaving for school or reading a book together before bed each night, the little moments add up to a lifetime of love and trust. Girls who feel validated and loved by their father or father figure are better equipped to deflect the immature love offered by boys with perhaps less than honorable intentions. A good relationship with a dad can aid them in looking for the best quality traits in any suitor that knocks on the door. Girls with healthy self-esteem derived from respect and love, coupled with a sense of God purpose, will be better equipped to date at an age where maturity and feelings are balanced. For me, that seemed around age 35, but hey, I’m the dad. We did not rush nor forbid when the time seemed right.

So to answer the question, What is the perfect age for dating to begin? There is no perfect number or day. There is also no certain way to be a perfect parent nor a book with all the answers. But there are at least a million ways to be a great parent. Your daughter doesn’t need, nor is she looking for, perfection. She needs a dad and mom that will love God and love her. With prayer and Jesus at the center of your home, God will bless your efforts with His mercy and spaces of grace. The moments spent together on ordinary days will be the fabric woven into your daughter’s heart of her worth and your love will be the backdrop to which all other relationships are measured.